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The cycle of abuse.

· Are you feeling helpless, powerless, or worthless about yourself due to abuse?

· Are you wondering how you got to this point in your life?

· Are you feeling as though you have no self respect or dignity left?

· Have you been unsuccessfully trying to resolve issues that trigger the abuse?

· Are you feeling like nothing is working and you are trapped in a downhill spiral?

· Have you tried everything in your power to stop your partners abusing behavior?

Nothing has worked because your partner needs to continue controlling you to boost their own damaged self esteem. Abuse is their way of doing it. "Failure" to stop the abuse and "failure" to resolve issues, has very likely set up feelings of helplessness within you because you can't seem to make anything better no matter how hard you try. As you keep trying, and failing, these feelings of helplessness grow. Your self-esteem is driven down and your sense of self-worth is shattered. You lose confidence in yourself and your abilities. The abuse and your failed efforts to stop it, erode your self-confidence, devastate your self-esteem and destroy your sense of self-worth. You become fearful, insecure and dependent.

Everything in your life eventually revolves around your abuser, their moods and their needs. You become a non-person, and as such, you are reduced to existing as your abuser's "possession" or "provider." You can't change your partner no matter how hard you try. You can't love them enough to make them stop abusing you. Only the abuser can make the decision to change and stop the abuse. But there is hope, you can change yourself, take back your power and regain your self esteem. Below is a description of the cycle of abuse, you will most certainly recognize the demoralizing sequence in your own relationship with an abuser.

This cycle will keep you emotionally fearful and psychologically imbalanced hence keeping you stuck in the downward spiral of the abuse vortex. The cycle of abuse is rarely broken without outside help. Victims need to learn how to set boundaries that protect them and help them to break free of the cycle of victimization. Abusers must confront and take responsibility for the verbal and physical abusive patterns of behavior.

Types of Abuse: There are different types of abuse and all can be equally traumatizing. · Emotional/Psychological Abuse · Verbal Abuse · Physical Abuse · Sexual Abuse

Emotional/Psychological Abuse: The abusers intention is to degrade and undermine their victim's sense of self-worth. This allows them to gain the power and control they seek to become the dominator. Instilling guilt, shame and fear are some of the tactics used to reject and negate the victim's ideas and opinions After a while, the manipulation and mind games leads the victim to question their own sanity, ultimately leaving them with a strong sense of doubt. The victim eventually deems themselves worthless and finally gives up their power to the abuser. Harassment and stalking are other psychological tactics the abuser may use to intimidate their victim.

Verbal Abuse: Verbal abuse is the constant use of demeaning, shameful and hurtful remarks or comments that are used to manipulate and control the victim by humiliating and degrading them to the point of defenselessness. These remarks are often in the form of threats and often include name calling, you statements, blame and foul language. Verbal abuse creates mental anguish, anxiety, and fear in the victim, who in time feels deflated, hopeless and trapped. Eventually the victim buys into the abusers opinion and they too see themselves as worthless and useless. Eventually control is gained as the victim relinquishes their power to the abuser.

Physical Abuse: Physical abuse is the most visible form of abuse and is characterized by the infliction of injury upon the victim including hitting, kicking, biting, slapping, shoving, and even throwing or breaking objects. The abuser instills such fear and intimidations in the victim that they control every aspect of the victims' life. The abuser usually isolates the victim and may dictate what the victim does, how they dress and who they see. In Physical abuse the victim usually lives in constant fear of losing their life.

Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse is a crime: It is usually a betrayal of trust and an abuse of power and authority over the victim. Children, teens, young adults, the elderly and persons with a mental or physical disability are very often the victims of sexual abuse. The lower the defense of the victim the greater the risk of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse consists of unwanted, nonconsensual, sexual activity that occurs either one time or on an ongoing basis and includes fondling, intercourse, rape, incest, sodomy, exhibitionism, involving a victim in prostitution or pornography or sexually, inviting the victim to touch or be touched. Other forms of sexual abuse include degrading ones sexuality, derogatory comments, sex on demand or sexual withholding, and controlling one's reproductive choices. Because of the trauma associated with an experience of sexual abuse and the social stigma surrounding the crime, many sexual abuse victims feel confused and tend to downplay or minimize their experiences.

Sexual harassment is any unwelcome behavior, sexual in nature that adversely affects, or threatens to affect, directly or indirectly, a person's job security, working conditions or prospects for promotion or earnings; or prevents a person from getting a job, living accommodations or any kind of public service. If any of these situations are familiar to you then please let Lisa use her expertise to help you break out of the vicious cycle of abuse. She will show you how to regain your sense of self worth and reclaim your personal power. As a result you will move forward confident and self-assured to live a life free from abuse, control and manipulation.

Depression and Anxiety Counselling

Is This Normal?

Have you ever felt a constant worrying feeling about all the things that need to be done? Have you ever felt guilty about something that has happened in your past? Do you ever feel like there just isn't enough time in a day to get things done? If you occasionally have these feelings of depression or anxiety, then the answer is yes, this is quite normal. As humans, we experience a variety of different feelings throughout our lifetime. If these feelings do not go away, and you can't quite figure out why you are feeling this way, then there may be a bigger problem. This is very common for lots of people. Thankfully, with a little help and self work, you do not have to keep feeling this way for long.

How to Recognize Depression/Anxiety

· Little or no energy

· Trouble concentrating/Forgetfulness

· Loss of Interest

· Feeling tired constantly

· Feeling irritable or argumentative

· Feelings of guilt or shame

· Loss of appetite

· Thoughts of suicide

What to Avoid

It is not uncommon for someone experiencing severe depression or anxiety to use drugs or alcohol as a form of self medicating. This can be extremely harmful as these ‘masks` tend to actually enhance the already present feelings of shame, guilt, or worthlessness. What is meant to temporarily cover up these hurtful feelings actually creates more problems. If you are spending more money on drugs or alcohol than usual, drinking more than you intended to, or you are becoming increasingly secretive in regards to your substance intake, then you may want to seek help for your depression and reclaim your happiness.

Anxiety Disorders

Everyone feels some form of anxiety when we perceive a situation as threatening, like public speaking, or having a near-miss accident. This type of anxiety is normal, is not harmful and only lasts for a short period of time. If anxiety becomes persistent and severe enough to interfere with normal daily function and you find yourself feeling unable to cope, you may have an anxiety disorder.

There are several types of anxiety disorders.

· panic attack or panic disorder (sudden anxiety that occurs without warning) with or without agoraphobia (avoiding specific situations that trigger anxiety)specific phobias (many types of intense fear reactions of specific objects or situations, such as fear of spiders, flying, or heights)

· social anxiety or social phobia (fear of being embarrassed in social situations)

· generalized anxiety disorder (general feeling of anxiety most of the time)

· obsessive-compulsive disorder (unwanted thoughts or behaviors that are repetitive and unnecessary)

· post-traumatic stress disorder (anxiety associated with and what occurs after a stressful life event)

Anxiety disorders may occur together with other conditions, such as depression, eating disorders, or substance abuse problems. Anxiety is difficult to get through without treatment. It is advisable to see a physician as well as a counsellor for your anxiety.

Causes of Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety disorders may be a result of a combination of biological, psychological, and other individual factors. For example, altered brain chemistry can contribute to the cause of anxiety. How we think or perceive a situation can trigger anxiety (e.g. fear of flying) Bad past experiences may also cause present day anxiety when the fear arises that it may happen again. Genetic components, bad childhood experiences, or traumatic life events also have their part in anxiety disorders.

Symptoms and Complications of Anxiety Disorders

Many symptoms of anxiety are common to all types of anxiety disorders. Other symptoms are more specific to a certain type of anxiety disorder. Listed below are some of the most common symptoms associated with each type of anxiety disorder.

· Panic attacks, involves sudden anxiety that occurs without warning. Symptoms can includes chest pain, heart palpitations, sweating, shortness of breath, feeling of unreality, trembling, dizziness, nausea, hot flashes or chills, a feeling of losing control, or a fear of dying. Panic attacks are extremely common - Some people start to avoid situations that might trigger a panic attack - this is called panic attack with agoraphobia. A panic attack usually lasts 10 minutes or less, but it can last longer. Panic disorder is much less common. Panic disorder refers to recurring feelings of terror and fear, which come on unpredictably without any clear trigger.

· Phobias involve a fear of something specific, such as an animal, storms, heights, or flying. Symptoms can include sweating, muscle tension, and dizziness. People may also go to extremes to avoid the situation they fear. Social anxiety, also known as social phobia, involves excessive anxiety in social situations where people fear being embarrassed or made fun of. Situations that can trigger social anxiety include small group discussions, dating, going to a party. Common symptoms of social anxiety include blushing, sweating, and dry mouth. People with social phobia often avoid social situations that cause anxiety.

· Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is associated with continual excessive anxiety and worry about a number of things (e.g., work, money, and health). There is no specific source of fear. Symptoms can include muscle tension, trembling, shortness of breath, fast heartbeat, dizziness, dry mouth, nausea, sleeping problems, and poor concentration.

· Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) involves recurring thoughts that are unpleasant (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). The thoughts may be connected to the repetitive behaviors. For example, people who fear getting an infection may constantly wash their hands. Thought at times, there's no connection at all between the thoughts and the behaviors.

· Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) disorder is associated with extreme anxiety that appears after a traumatic experience. Symptoms usually start within 3 months of the traumatic event but may take years to start. PTSD can be associated with sleep problems, nightmares, irritability, and anger. Feelings of guilt and unworthiness are common with PTSD. Traumatic experiences that can trigger PTSD include wars, plane crashes, natural disasters (e.g., hurricane, earthquake), and violent crimes (e.g., rape, abuse). Complications of anxiety disorders are mostly linked to feelings of inadequacy or depression, because people with these conditions know their behavior is irrational and damaging to their lives. Depression is particularly common with anxiety

Treating and Preventing Anxiety Disorders

Most anxiety disorders are treated with a combination of medication and therapy. Lisa uses cognitive behavioral therapy which challenges irrational thoughts and fears. Sometimes this may entail exposure therapy which involves slowly confronting the fear. She helps you to gain perspective by encouraging you to talk about your thought and feelings in a safe, secure environment.

Co-Dependancy Counselling

What is Co-dependency? Co dependency is a dysfunctional relationship between the co-dependent and another person or persons. Co-dependents are rescuers, who become addicted to helping others and in turn enable others to become dependent upon them.

· Do you feel hurt or rejected when someone refuses your help?

· Do you put your own feelings last?

· Are you looking for acceptance from others?

· Has anyone ever yelled at you to stop helping them?

· Do you continue to give money to a loved one with an addiction?

· Does your self worth depend on how much others depend on you?

· Do you make excuses for those who do not take responsibility for themselves?

· Do you think a loved one or friend can't make it without you?

If you have answered yes to any of the above questions, you may be in a codependent relationship, and in the habit of enabling others. Are You Really Helping? In essence, if you continue to rescue the needy people in your life, you are teaching them to be dependent. What will happen to them if anything happens to you? You are not doing them any favors and actually hurting them in the long run. The best gift you can give is to teach them independence, if you stop bailing them out they will learn to take care of themselves. Yes; sometimes it is painful to watch, but who is taking care of you while you are taking care everyone else? What Causes Co- Dependency? Co Dependency is caused by low self esteem and low self worth, a feeling of emptiness inside. The act of rescuing and helping others aids to fill that void inside and helps the co-dependent to feel whole. Co dependents need to be needed to feel good about themselves.

Is There a Cure for Co-Dependency? Yes

· Learning to build positive, healthy, self esteem.

· Learning to recognize what is your and not your responsibility.

· Learning to identify and wean needy people out of your life.

· Learning to set healthy boundaries.

· Learning healthy detachment.

· Learning to allow the other person the "space to be themselves"

· Learning to love and accept yourself.

If you think you are a co-dependent, Lisa can help get you on the road to recovery. She will guide you through each step to discover what is making you feel co-dependent, and take you along the steps to independance for you and your relationships.